Image: Ryan Mails
All Will Be Well
For reasons I did not fully understand I’d been in a bad mood most of December. Yes, I’d been busy. Yes, I’d been stressed. But the busy-ness and stress were of my own creation, and normally I thrive on “Christmas Stress.” But not this year, and I couldn’t understand why. Except for the lack of Christmas cookies, which none of us needed anyway, and a handful of notes to write to old friends I was ready for Christmas. And for those notes I still had plenty of time. There are 12 Days of Christmas after all.
While making dessert on Christmas Eve I decided to listen to some Christmas music on YouTube, blue toothed to my hearing aids. I scrolled through my playlist and hit what I thought read “Mix, Christmas Music.” Only it didn’t. It read “Mix, Christian Music.” And when I examined it later I read the tiny print: “put together from things you’ve listened to, or things like it.”
The first song was John William’s beautiful “Hymn to the Fallen,” the theme to “Saving Private Ryan.” Not exactly cheerful Christmas music, but I was slowly adding eggs to melted chocolate. I continued listening.
The second piece was “Here I am Lord.” Oh Lord, no. The favorite hymn of my baby sister who died from a rare cancer in 1993. I started to sob. I finished making the dessert and looked at the playlist. Up next: “I Will Lift Mine Eyes,” from Mendelssohn’s “Elijah” as sung by Choir of the Earth. My Choir. Good. I could listen to that. I happen to know that two of the singers are Sudie Blanchard and myself. With the dessert baking I turned off the music.
At 5:30 sharp St George’s first service began. I’d already been emotional during choir rehearsal, greeting fellow singers I hadn’t seen in weeks. Then the service began. The choir did not process but stood in the front of the church watching Henry carry the cross, Sudie the Gospel Book, then Aaron and Ryan in their white robes embroidered with the most gorgeous fabric ever. When you sing in the choir you are part of the pageantry, and don’t get to see it. Watching them process was a treat for the eyes.
And the ears. The string quartet and Ivan played my favorite Christmas Hymn, “O Come All Ye Faithful.” I didn’t need to look at the hymnal. I know the words and the alto line by heart. I could not have read either anyway. Tears filled my eyes.
That’s when I heard the voice. Not my voice. But definitely a voice: ALL WILL BE WELL. What? I heard it again. Where did it come from? From God? From deep inside me? And did it matter. I chose to believe.
ALL WILL BE WELL.
Barbara Kautz
Dec 26, 2021